how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
