I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
