I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
