don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
