i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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