Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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