i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
