Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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