I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
