He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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