my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
