i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize