i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
