i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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