It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
