I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
