Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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