The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
