today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
