WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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