I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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