I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
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