she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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