true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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