watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
