3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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