if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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