I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
