It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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