Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize