K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
