I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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