Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
