Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
