i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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