yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
