i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
