my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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