soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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