she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
that's an acceptable place to lick
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
