I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize