I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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