Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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