If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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