You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
