There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
