Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
