U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
