Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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