You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize