so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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