i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
