She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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