Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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