Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
