Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
