Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
