woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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