I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
