i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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