Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He is an equal opportunity slut.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I understand Curling. That high.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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