First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
