is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think my tv is drunk
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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