the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
