New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
