why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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